For KATRINA on any Valentine’s Day – a lady that I loved, but I could never tell her. My mum even told me that she felt the same about me; she that I knew I had to leave behind in Toowoomba; Katrina who once worked at the "Southern Cross Hotel" where I played guitar, the blues harp and sang harmony. Our music trio played at different Toowoomba Hotels like the Southern Cross, where I first saw Katrina who also worked a second job at "Just Jeans" in town. This is my last poem for the only lady that inspired me at first sight and for years later that had unknowingly capture my unconditional love; that had the power in her first kiss to wash away my inner tears as they combined with hers; those that ran down her face onto my cheeks, when I sadly had to tell her, I was there to say Good-bye. And in kissing, it is so much better when two people try it! I just couldn't respond as I would never have left her side, but Katrina "didn't know it". She knew we had the same chemistry and attraction that matched each other's…that would last.
Because of what I have been through in my personal life, long before I came to Toowoomba, things changed, I had changed, and it altered my spontaneous personality; I was still suffering from P.T.S.D. It had somehow left me, different - from a confident man to a reserved and shy man. I had always given much consideration to the women of our town, especially for Katrina. She told me once, she was seeing someone else, after I asked her, it was such a refreshing change to be shown honesty. Sometimes that’s the hardest thing to find and when she said that she was - I am no claim jumper. In my past, I had always been comfortable around me. So I decided, rather than live on with that memory of Katrina in my mind, I wanted to remember that warm romantic embrace, when love came calling - that tapped on my hearts window, rather than thinking about all those wasted years living with the wrong women – they who never inspired my painting, writing, music or poetry.
Katrina Our Romance for Us Forever Young
You love taps on my window, as your tears washed away my pain
Because our love was true but fleeting, in need of more summer rain
While living in a town that was part of our making, that was to end in our final refrain
Because soon you would off hear I was leaving, without showing you any thoughts for us
Or in not knowing of my destination, because my heart around you I couldn't trust
But your only kiss I will always remember, that gave me such hope again
To fight for right not glory, nor to worry about others’ yes or no's
As our riches are in my words and in our story, to remember wherever we go
In knowing that we shared this love my darling, as it was the best I've ever known.
Don't let anyone take away your romantic heart, laughter, curiosity, spontaneity, independence, beliefs or opinions. While free speech lasts, as the summer rains and sunshine have fallen on our love that set long ago; I can still feel it's warm afterglow in remembering you again in this letter and poem. You were a fine lady, one with class, who had a shy and retiring manner; whose face glowed when we saw each other, who while in my presence had a sweet fragrance that smelt like flowers or fruit blossoms in spring time. That lingered around my senses as I felt and smelt your freshly washed, golden hair against my face. When we were saying goodbye, it was the only time I truly felt loved for myself, but the saddest thing of all is when the one you love is with someone else and in thinking that they are still in love with that same person, when the right man comes along. I had to make my journey alone down to Sydney to settle my differences in a A.A. Tribunal law court that I applied for a hearing. It left me to choose between my soul mate and the agony in my mind in clearing my name. It was not for worthy recognition as the victory was for Jesus, he who saved my life twice, while I was in the Military. For me to do his work later, that blesses us sinners as well as the sain, because the moral victory was to ease my pain for the sake of justice. My faith is always in God's hands, in showing me the way and with his grace in showing forgiveness to others, he saves all our sanities.
Dealing with P.T.S.D. has its moments, as I know the mind can be a cruel place to hide, when you have a need to escape from the fear that rules over your doubts, as your ears can hear your cries for help inside your head, but your mind doesn't want to listen. I couldn't expect to be with Katrina and save my sanity as well; as real love is not selfish, and it takes sacrifices. In protecting her from knowing such pain, a man has to know his own limitations while carrying the burden of others’ responsibilities. Though, I will not align my past with Katrina in spoiling this limited love story; my military past can be left for my autobiography.
I took picture before I went to live in Toowoomba, in 1982. It represented in my mind that I still had unfinished business back in Sydney with a "smoking gun" that was about serious, Federal legal issues. Those that I held in trust to deal with it when my mind’s clarity and memory had returned. Katrina was the only one in 1995-97 that could ever see this turmoil inside of me - that held me back. Yet, she asked for nothing, as we kept our respectful silence and distance and for that, she deserved to start her life with a white wedding, in God's church with one that was more mentally and physically fit than me. I could only envy the man she was to marry and later have two children with; knowing I couldn’t provide for our monetary needs, given the music shop I called 'Guitar City", which I managed, had to shut down. With it, went all my dreams.
Before parting for Sydney in 1997, it was offered I carry on alone as a separate music business, but I had to deal with the demons in my past. It couldn’t wait. So, I told the owner, I also wanted to finish the house in Toowoomba, the one Mum and Pop owned, before I left for Sydney, so they could sell it to go on their retirement. Leaving town and Katrina at the same time, was the hardest thing I had to do. She who was always worthy of my love. Know this Katrina, you will be always treasured and loved by me, for all eternity; I will take this poem with me when I leave God's earth as the only things I get to keep is what I give away. So please, forgive me for leaving you so suddenly, as I didn't mean to make you cry. Your honesty touched my heart and soul, as your tears took me by surprise. Your powerful kiss while in your arms before our parting, took my breath away. True, sometimes unrequited love hurts the most my sweet, because in my mind it was also my legacy as well that I wanted to protect and leave you untarnished - for the sake of my only child son, Robert Scott. If ever he came looking for me, I prayed he will be proud of me, as his real father. This I hoped he would someday pass onto his own children, who might never know me.
Though only after 45 years, my military recognition finally came around in 2017; it was an amicable peace offering. I was honoured for loyalty and patriotism to my country. Knowing full well there are no guarantees in the military, only how wisely we invest in our futures after it such an ordeal.
I pray your future is worthy of Jesus and any other expectations you endeavour to take on; to not be afraid in appearing venerable or in being strong. I often asked myself Katrina, was it all worth the price we both had to pay?
Mum never had a doll's house when she was a kid and although much older, she often mentioned how she would have loved one to play with. I decided to make that dream come true.
With a few bits and pieces from around home, some lights etc - I hand-crafted a pretty awesome looking house. Each of the small doll's furniture I made directly, making sure I kept the true feel of a dolls house that would have been made in my mum's childhood period.
Me being a musician, of course the house just had to have a few instruments - can't have an unhappy doll.
Written for my Labrador female Dog named “Gina” that saved the life of my Brother Paul’s daughter named Sandi, at a water fall on the Central coast, that bought her back from the edge of the sandstone cliff, that meant certain death for Sandi if she took anymore steps forward, Gina’s training as a seeing eye dog kicked in that placed herself between Sandi and herself that took her away from the edge of the cliff I was told in reflection by Sandi herself years later of the close call as a young girl, Gina was my only companion that understood my nature, because Gina had unconditional love, her kidneys were failing and she was in pain as I left her with the vet, that told me over the phone that she had to have kidney dialysis to treat her that was her only chance, but it was expensive and prolonged, I was unemployed and fighting to hold myself together after having another break down in 1995 when we were living with Mum and Pop in Toowoomba, I asked the vet would she still be in pain? He said there was no grantees at her age as she was almost 15 years old, and it might not work in her case.
I told Mum it is over, and she will need me now to make her pain go away, I was in a borrowed van that I could transport her to the farm where I was helping in building an Art studio for a teacher at the university of Southern Queensland , he said I could bury her out on his farm where I was working to be close to her, I was not even in the vets driveway when I heard Gina barking from behind the brick wall, how would she even know that it was even me? My heart was breaking and I was at the point of crying, that she knew I was coming to release her from her pain, she was placed by the vet into my arms inside to comfort her inside the van as I spoke to her as she closed her eyes for the last time, I stopped outside the local church to say to God that I know he cares for the living and mostly in times like this for his animals that are dying or for people that are to be buried, Gina was buried with some photos of myself, Mum and Pop.
This is a photo of myself and Gina, while holding her in a cuddle in this photo just days before she was to be freed of her pain, she is lying in peace on a property out near Toowoomba where she is waiting for my return. I miss her every day. ROSSCOE.