For KATRINA on any Valentine’s Day – a lady that I loved, but I could never tell her. My mum even told me that she felt the same about me; she that I knew I had to leave behind in Toowoomba; Katrina who once worked at the "Southern Cross Hotel" where I played guitar, the blues harp and sang harmony. Our music trio played at different Toowoomba Hotels like the Southern Cross, where I first saw Katrina who also worked a second job at "Just Jeans" in town. This is my last poem for the only lady that inspired me at first sight and for years later that had unknowingly capture my unconditional love; that had the power in her first kiss to wash away my inner tears as they combined with hers; those that ran down her face onto my cheeks, when I sadly had to tell her, I was there to say Good-bye. And in kissing, it is so much better when two people try it! I just couldn't respond as I would never have left her side, but Katrina "didn't know it". She knew we had the same chemistry and attraction that matched each other's…that would last.
Because of what I have been through in my personal life, long before I came to Toowoomba, things changed, I had changed, and it altered my spontaneous personality; I was still suffering from P.T.S.D. It had somehow left me, different - from a confident man to a reserved and shy man. I had always given much consideration to the women of our town, especially for Katrina. She told me once, she was seeing someone else, after I asked her, it was such a refreshing change to be shown honesty. Sometimes that’s the hardest thing to find and when she said that she was - I am no claim jumper. In my past, I had always been comfortable around me. So I decided, rather than live on with that memory of Katrina in my mind, I wanted to remember that warm romantic embrace, when love came calling - that tapped on my hearts window, rather than thinking about all those wasted years living with the wrong women – they who never inspired my painting, writing, music or poetry.
Katrina Our Romance for Us Forever Young
You love taps on my window, as your tears washed away my pain
Because our love was true but fleeting, in need of more summer rain
While living in a town that was part of our making, that was to end in our final refrain
Because soon you would off hear I was leaving, without showing you any thoughts for us
Or in not knowing of my destination, because my heart around you I couldn't trust
But your only kiss I will always remember, that gave me such hope again
To fight for right not glory, nor to worry about others’ yes or no's
As our riches are in my words and in our story, to remember wherever we go
In knowing that we shared this love my darling, as it was the best I've ever known.
Don't let anyone take away your romantic heart, laughter, curiosity, spontaneity, independence, beliefs or opinions. While free speech lasts, as the summer rains and sunshine have fallen on our love that set long ago; I can still feel it's warm afterglow in remembering you again in this letter and poem. You were a fine lady, one with class, who had a shy and retiring manner; whose face glowed when we saw each other, who while in my presence had a sweet fragrance that smelt like flowers or fruit blossoms in spring time. That lingered around my senses as I felt and smelt your freshly washed, golden hair against my face. When we were saying goodbye, it was the only time I truly felt loved for myself, but the saddest thing of all is when the one you love is with someone else and in thinking that they are still in love with that same person, when the right man comes along. I had to make my journey alone down to Sydney to settle my differences in a A.A. Tribunal law court that I applied for a hearing. It left me to choose between my soul mate and the agony in my mind in clearing my name. It was not for worthy recognition as the victory was for Jesus, he who saved my life twice, while I was in the Military. For me to do his work later, that blesses us sinners as well as the sain, because the moral victory was to ease my pain for the sake of justice. My faith is always in God's hands, in showing me the way and with his grace in showing forgiveness to others, he saves all our sanities.
Dealing with P.T.S.D. has its moments, as I know the mind can be a cruel place to hide, when you have a need to escape from the fear that rules over your doubts, as your ears can hear your cries for help inside your head, but your mind doesn't want to listen. I couldn't expect to be with Katrina and save my sanity as well; as real love is not selfish, and it takes sacrifices. In protecting her from knowing such pain, a man has to know his own limitations while carrying the burden of others’ responsibilities. Though, I will not align my past with Katrina in spoiling this limited love story; my military past can be left for my autobiography.
I took picture before I went to live in Toowoomba, in 1982. It represented in my mind that I still had unfinished business back in Sydney with a "smoking gun" that was about serious, Federal legal issues. Those that I held in trust to deal with it when my mind’s clarity and memory had returned. Katrina was the only one in 1995-97 that could ever see this turmoil inside of me - that held me back. Yet, she asked for nothing, as we kept our respectful silence and distance and for that, she deserved to start her life with a white wedding, in God's church with one that was more mentally and physically fit than me. I could only envy the man she was to marry and later have two children with; knowing I couldn’t provide for our monetary needs, given the music shop I called 'Guitar City", which I managed, had to shut down. With it, went all my dreams.
Before parting for Sydney in 1997, it was offered I carry on alone as a separate music business, but I had to deal with the demons in my past. It couldn’t wait. So, I told the owner, I also wanted to finish the house in Toowoomba, the one Mum and Pop owned, before I left for Sydney, so they could sell it to go on their retirement. Leaving town and Katrina at the same time, was the hardest thing I had to do. She who was always worthy of my love. Know this Katrina, you will be always treasured and loved by me, for all eternity; I will take this poem with me when I leave God's earth as the only things I get to keep is what I give away. So please, forgive me for leaving you so suddenly, as I didn't mean to make you cry. Your honesty touched my heart and soul, as your tears took me by surprise. Your powerful kiss while in your arms before our parting, took my breath away. True, sometimes unrequited love hurts the most my sweet, because in my mind it was also my legacy as well that I wanted to protect and leave you untarnished - for the sake of my only child son, Robert Scott. If ever he came looking for me, I prayed he will be proud of me, as his real father. This I hoped he would someday pass onto his own children, who might never know me.
Though only after 45 years, my military recognition finally came around in 2017; it was an amicable peace offering. I was honoured for loyalty and patriotism to my country. Knowing full well there are no guarantees in the military, only how wisely we invest in our futures after it such an ordeal.
I pray your future is worthy of Jesus and any other expectations you endeavour to take on; to not be afraid in appearing venerable or in being strong. I often asked myself Katrina, was it all worth the price we both had to pay?